It is important to have trust and safety in a relationship. Safety will build the foundation for trust and trust over time morphs into safety. When you have these two components, you relax within your relationship. You will begin to feel comfortable and be able to confide in each other. Without trust and safety you will begin to pull back, shut down, walk on eggshells and get angry.
Even in good relationships trust and safety can easily get derailed usually by unexplained or unexpected behavior. The importance is understanding how your partner did what you always though he would never do. Safety can also be shaken by sudden changes in emotions where your partner is no longer herself.
It can be devastating when incidents like these occur. The derailing of safety is usually much more subtle with the small things and it begins to add up over time. The following are some ways you are beginning to derail your relationship.
Criticism. You should have put your cloths int he hamper. You look scruffy today. You didn’t take out the trash. Criticism is all about shoulds and rules and doing something wrong even if you felt your effort was good, your intent noble. You become the scolding mother or father wagging the finger, seeing the negatives instead of the positives. These criticisms make you begin to walk on eggshells within your relationship, withdraw and get angry.
Anger. Once criticism builds up, it turns to anger. It becomes the raw emotion and feeling scolded or emotionally abused by your partner. In more extreme forms, it turns to physical abuse.
Micromanaged. This can feel a lot like criticism at times but becomes micromanaging when their is hovering and suffocation. To avoid becoming a partner who micromanages remember this: advice not asked for, suggestions not wanted.
Lack of appreciation. This is a close cousin to criticism but occurs because the hard edge is replaced by absence. You spend time doing something nice for your partner and it goes unnoticed or you receive short brief feedback. You constantly do a lot and not much comes back to you in terms of compliments or gratitude.
Neglected. Another close cousin to criticism. Its not only that your partner doesn’t notice, but pulls back. There is a wall, your partner doesn’t care. Many woman are more sensitive to neglect.